Keep the Faith - in Yourself

Dear R.I.T.,

When I was little I used to think that love was all that a marriage needed to survive. Which as I got older made me realize that there might be no such thing as love. Then I saw it in couples, and now I'm just really confused. I've had someone love me, and I've loved - but I'm still single - love doesn't cure anything it just makes life more complicated and more painful when that relationship is over. Now I'm worried that I'm going to settle for less because I don't think I'll ever really find what I'm looking for and have that person find what they are looking for in me. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Frum Romantic

Romantic,

You're right love doesn't solve anything on it's own, but you do need that for a marriage to work. It seems that many people in the secular world search for love, which can lead them into settling and later divorce. And that even shows up in the Frum world. The reality is that love is fostered over time - after a person gets to know the real you. Married couples, as they get to know each other better, often find that they are more in love with their spouse after marriage than before.

It's clear that your parent weren't helpful role models for you in this respect, which is unfortunate. But settling isn't fair to you or the person that you settle with. Marriage is hard work, and so is finding your basheret.

Don't get discouraged and look for an easy out. From what I've seen and been told, when you meet your basheret everything seems to fall into place. If what you're seeing in the relationships that you've had is that problems and issues are surrounding you, then you're probably trying to force the relationship to work. Not every relationship you enter into will has to last. You can learn a lot from the people that you meet through relationships.

You said that you don't think that you'll find what you're looking for - that's easy to say if you don't know what it is or if you don't give yourself the opportunity to find it. I'm not trying to be critical, but the reality is many people don't know what they are looking for or if they do, act in ways preventing a relationship with someone compatible; i.e. getting involved in dead-end relationships, allowing low self-esteem to make you believe that someone worthwhile is too good for you, or just running scared.

It's easy for someone to not find what they are looking for in you if you don't allow yourself to open up to that. Which doesn't mean filling everyone in to who you really are, but by answering questions honestly and wholly when asked by people that you are interested in.

You will find your basheret, you have to believe that otherwise you leave yourself open to settling. You're not a terrible person, you deserve to be loved by someone you're compatible with and who knows you, and to love them in return for who they are as well.

Hatzlacha! May you meet the right person at the right time and let that be soon.

Cobwebs

Well... I hadn't counted on taking this much time off from writing. I moved in the beginning of January, and needless to say, many things changed and I had to adjust to my new surroundings, new community and new job.

Your environment has a huge impact on your view of the world, and relationships. A couple examples for you to think about: how far you will go for a friend, what is acceptable while dating, how to treat your roommates, etc. Let your opinions brew, interpret the examples how you first read them. And if you want, offer your answers.

On a somewhat different topic - loneliness. According to many classic philosophers we're all lonely, although we react to it differently. But overall we try to fill the void with something, whether consciously or unconsciously. Watching television or movies. Reading books. Being constantly active. We devote ourselves to other people, our pets, our work, our fill in the blank but all too often not ourselves.
The Jewish perspective is to fill the void with Hashem - I don't pretend to be a Tzaddakis, and realistically most people cannot completely feel their void that way - not that we shouldn't try, but that's not the point.
The point is, many people do not take the time to listen to themselves and to be there for themselves. We reach out looking for acceptance and other things when really if we never find it within, we'll always be looking for something, at least to some extent.

And some cities, seem to be more lonely than others. I guess they bring out the loneliness from within. I would venture to say that LA and NY are cities that do that.

College vs Marriage

What do you say about going to college vs. getting married? Of course no one wants to end up being old, educated and single. But if someone really wants to be able to support their family with a professional career, it's going to be quite challenging to go through school when the babies start coming around.

It's interesting that many people view college as an impediment to getting married. It's true that it's very difficult to balance a school schedule while having a spouse; just like it's difficult to balance work and married life. However, the real difference between a college career and a work career is the cost.

A university education is very costly. Even if you can get a nice scholarship, it won't cover all the costs associated with school. This often means that a person needs to rely on their parents or get a job as well as go to school. These options may not seem feasible when you have to take care of someone else. Yet, a professional career often means a higher salary. And even many nonprofessional careers require a bachelors degree. So many frum Jews that go to college, "push off" marriage till after they get their bachelors degree.

Which is better?
There are a quite a few situations that are possible when married. 1. One spouse goes to school while the other one works. 2. Both husband and wife go to school at the same time. 3. One spouse works. 4. Both husband and wife work. 5. One spouse goes to school while the other doesn't work. 6. Neither spouse works.

I'll define working as getting paid salary or a stipend which, for the sake of this discussion will include getting paid to learn.

The last option is not ideal, unless of course the family inherited enough that they don't need to work.
The rest of the options can all work. Option 5 probably creates the most amount of stress and tension. But all the options can be made to work, provided both partners actually can and do work at it. Keep in mind, there are some people that cannot budget their time, etc. so they are not able to be in one or more of the situations.



There are also benefits of not dating for marriage while in school. Going away to school, for example, gives a person a real sense of independence, which makes them learn, to a certain degree, money management and how to feed themselves as well as other things. And there are even people that date while in school and push off getting married till they graduate.

I do not feel that college and marriage cannot coincide. It's important to know yourself. If you personally cannot handle being in school or having your spouse in school while married, then don't be in that situation (or learn how to adapt). If your career goal dictates that you go to school, you have to make the decision of whether or not you should push off getting married.

The Sacred Second Date

"i rarely get a second date with girls. i dont enjoy dating and often run out of things to say. i stopped hanging out with girls when i shidduch date, but the other night i hung out with a friend/girl (between dating periods) and it was so easy to talk. why cant it be that easy on dates?"


Well it sounds like your self-diagnosis is accurate. You don't enjoy dating. For you it's probably more of a chore, or something you feel that you have to do in order to get married. No wonder you run out of things to say. You're not into the date 100% and these girls can sense that, which is why they don't want to date you again.

You could try pretending you're hanging out with a friend the first date. Nothing too formal or crazy. Make sure it's someplace where you both can enjoy yourselves, even if there is a small break in conversation. Something like pool or bowling could work.

Although dating is for the purpose of getting to know the other person better, if you find yourself asking or answering something that sounds a little like 20 questions the date is headed in the wrong direction. You don't need to know everything about the other person right away, the first date is mainly to see if you enjoy each other's company and if there's chemistry.

Good luck!

Rehash the Past

"when's you next blog entrie going to come out about re-visiting old relationships that already ended officially"


The same person can be put into our lives multiple times, confusing us. We have to keep in mind that the relationship ended for a reason, and over time people do change, but not always in the same direction or same rate. Of course this does not mean that you should never date someone that you once dated, I can immediately think of two happily married couples that dated previously. With them it was at least a year later till they started dating anew.

To decide if it is a good idea to restart a relationship, you have to critically analyze your rationale. Do you want to date who the person is now, or your idea of who they are based on the past? Has the reason that the relationship ended in the first place been resolved? Do you want to date this person simply because they are familiar and you have limited options?

It's not a good idea to frequently go back and forth in relationships. It shows that you don't really know what you want. If you find yourself doing this, take a break from dating to focus on your needs and wants in a relationship.

If the other party suggests dating again, it would be a good idea to be a little hesitant. To repeat, the relationship ended for a reason, if it's not resolved then it's going to come up again. Women's intuition shouldn't be taken lightly, if it's telling you or her that the relationship was doomed to failure the first time, I wouldn't even try a second time.

If there are any specific questions, please don't hold back. I hope this helped.

Eighteen for Marriage?

HAPPY CHANNUKA!

"22. He [Ben Hei Hei] would also say: Five years is the age for the study of Scripture. Ten, for the study of Mishnah. Thirteen, for the obligation to observe the mitzvot. Fifteen, for the study of Talmud. Eighteen, for marriage. Twenty, to pursue [a livelihood]. Thirty, for strength, Forty, for understanding. Fifty, for counsel. Sixty, for sagacity. Seventy, for elderliness. Eighty, for power. Ninety, to stoop. A hundred-year-old is as one who has died and passed away and has been negated from the world." Pirkei Avot, Chapter Five


Nemo brought up an interesting point in a comment from the last post:

"A sixteen year old could also {somewhat realistically} know what they want in a spouse and even desire to have the companionship {not sex} that that provides. That's why kids can have a GFs and BFs. It's essentially the same desire because everyone wants to be loved.

But what makes a Guy or Girl know that they're ready to start going out for marriage? Do they have to be financially independent, have reached a certain level of maturity, a certain age, made any accomplishments, etc.?

The point of going on a Shidduch is that its not just another girlfriend. Like you said in the previous post, the point is to find someone that you want to live till the rest of your days with. When do you know that you should start looking? "

There is no one universal right time when people start dating for marriage; it really depends on each person individually. There are plenty of people who are not financially independent that get married - any criterion that I could possibly list there would be exceptions.

A 16-year-old may have realistic ideas of what they want in a spouse and desire the companionship, but not too many 16-year-olds really want to be married at 16. You're completely right Nemo, the concept of Shidduch dating is not to find just another girlfriend. In fact you're not looking for a girlfriend at all, but rather 'the right person at the right time'. When you want to get married, you don't want to be dating someone to date indefinably, but rather to get to know the other person to see if they are your basheret.

Frum Jews are not known for having very long engagements. If two people know that they want to marry each other, they should do it as soon as possible (within the confines of feasibility). If you feel that you are ready to be married now and not at some obscure point in the future, then date now. Ultimately, you know yourself better than anyone else. Most 12-year-olds or 16-year-olds or really anyone not ready to be a spouse, when given a realistic perspective of what marriage actually entails, would rather date to find a girlfriend or boyfriend that they may someday marry.

Just remember to have betachon in Hashem, because even if you do start dating before you are really ready, you won't actually get married until it is the right time.

Are You Ready To Be One?

Marriage Is the Closest Kind of Friendship, Nicholas Gordon

Marriage is the closest kind of friendship.
Years of traffic wear away the lines
Between two souls with similar designs,
Ending more in unity than kinship.
Separate actors must play separate parts:
They must alone be riveted by need.
Far beneath that soil a single seed
Roots itself, tenacious in their hearts.
In love there is a trust beyond the word.
Each finds peace in each, as though the light
Needed the tranquility of night,
Deeper than what silence can be heard.

"Here's a question though... how does one know that they're ready for marriage? How do they know that their desire to get married is sincere and isn't just horniness or whatever?..."

Great questions. No one is 100% ready for marriage till they're married, and even then it's not a guarantee. Being single you don't know everything that marriage entails until you experience it, and there's no way to know without actually living with that unique person that is your spouse.

If the thought of marriage makes you sick or highly anxious, you're not ready. It's ok to be freaked out a little bit, as marriage is a very big step and a huge change to how you're used to living, but it shouldn't be too much. If you view a marriage as roommates with benefits, then you're motivated by sexual desires. If you're miserable, and think that marriage will solve all your problems, you're not ready to get married.

To get ready for marriage you need to have realistic expectations. For example, there will be emotional and financial responsibilities that you're not accustomed to. When you're married you have another person to figure into all aspects of your life.

Here's an exercise that you can do. Ask yourself why you want to get married, and be completely honest with yourself. It's ok to list sex as one of your reasons, but if it stops there you know you're not ready. Write down the reasons. Put it away your list. Wait at least a day and then look over your reasons and see if they are 'good' reasons.

People can also be clouded by their desire to get married, and date people that are wrong for them simply because they want a spouse. You have to know yourself and your needs. Keep in mind your non-negotiables, the things you will not compromise on and your future children and how you want them raised.

When you meet someone that you think you want to marry, your heart, mind, and neshama/soul have to be in agreement. And both people need to have that and must really know eachother. If you have all that, then you're ready to get married.